CHAPTER 16

Claudia didn’t recognise the number on her cell phone’s display screen, so she let the call go through to her voice mail.  This was the first Saturday she’d had off in over six months, and she intended to enjoy every moment of the week-end ahead.  At five am she had walked down to the small harbour-side park, a block from her townhouse, and spent an hour soaking in the sunrise and watching the water lapping on the rocks. 

If felt good to free her mind from work and she enjoyed the freedom of doing nothing in particular.  The phone rang again, and for a moment she was tempted to answer it. ‘No damn it’ she said aloud, ‘I’m off duty’ she said as she shoved it into her jeans pocket.

When she returned home she did her usual clean, dust and vacuum routine and was contemplating a trip to the supermarket when the buzzer on the front courtyard gate rang.  She pressed the intercom and spoke into the microphone,

‘Hi it’s Claudia. Who is this please?’ A moment passed and no one responded. ‘Good morning. Are you man, woman, or alien? Speak now for ever hold your peace’ she added. ‘Hey, this is the last call before shut down. Respond now or it will be game over.’ She said cheerfully.

‘Claudia, it’s Christoph. May I come in please?’ 

Her throat muscles tightened and she stared at the plastic box on the wall. It buzzed again and she forced herself to speak. ‘Christoph; is that really you?  What are you doing in Australia?’ she knew it was him; she would recognise his voice if he was a million miles out in space. Her skin tingled when he said her name. His beautiful German accent changed the sound from Claudia, to Clou-diah.

There was no mistake, even though her mind struggled to make the New York to Sydney adjustment. Then almost automatically she pushed the button to open the gate. In a daze she went to the front door and stared in disbelief at Christoph.

When she found her voice again she said hoarsely. ‘What are you doing here? How did you know where I live?’ She put her hands to her head and pushed back her hair.

‘May I come in?’

‘Yes of course,’ she said softly, and stepped aside to let him pass into the entry hall. ‘Come through.’ She led the way up four, wide stairs, into the living room.  The sun was shining through wide glass doors that opened onto a large balcony. ‘Can I get you something? Tea? Coffee?’ she asked in an unsteady voice.

‘No, nothing thank you.’ He paused, ‘unless of course, you were having something yourself.’ He added.

‘I was about to make some coffee.’

‘Well then I would love to join you.’

‘Please sit down’ she pointed to the cream sofa. ‘I won’t be long.’ She walked to the adjoining kitchen. Still dazed, she automatically prepared coffee and was pouring milk into a small jug when her scattered thoughts were again jarred by the sound of his voice. She jumped with surprise, as her brain registered him standing in the doorway watching her.

‘I’m sorry to just arrive like this. I called your cell phone twice.’ Claudia’s brain started working again as she thought about the missed calls. Anger surged through her. She stopped what she was doing and stared at him. ‘I didn’t recognise the number, that’s why I didn’t answer.’

‘I bought a new phone at the airport.’ He said apologetically. ‘I left messages’ he added. 

Claudia felt her anger rising ‘Why are you here? You have no right to do this. We had an agreement; you said you wouldn’t contact me anymore.’ Christoph said nothing. He drank in her presence; he studied her features, every hair, the softness of her skin, and the tiny freckles on her nose that reminded him of tiny cream stars, on her clear unmade up face.

‘Oh, Claudia. I have missed you so much.’ He finally managed to say. ‘I had to come.’ Claudia’s heart melted; she wanted to hold him; to feel his strength against her. She wanted to let her soul reach out to his, and recapture the joy they had shared. She wanted to let love flow through every cell in her body. But she fought the feelings; pushed them aside to allow the professional Claudia take charge. She didn’t trust herself to cope, unless she gave her analytical persona full control.

‘You have no business coming here Christoph’ her voice faltered, ‘you have no business coming to my home unannounced.  How dare you just appear without warning?’ Her voice sharpened with a mixture of anger and fear.

‘I know. You’re absolutely correct. It was wrong of me to come to your private residence.’ He said and lowered his head slightly. ‘Please accept my apology. I will leave.’ He turned, walked back into the living room, picked up his coat and headed towards the stairs.

‘Wait’ Claudia called. ‘You’re here now. We may as well talk.’ Christoph turned; his eyes shone behind the moisture of his tears.

‘Thank you’ he said softly. She could hardly bear to watch as he walked slowly back towards her. Her emotions were scrambled. She had trouble sorting through the mixture of anger, sadness, relief and love, that were swirling around inside.

Neither of them spoke, but they were both aware of a strange, and unfamiliar, insecurity; each seeing the confusion mirrored in each other’s eyes.  Claudia finally broke the silence ‘You look so tired’ she said tenderly.

‘I arrived at six-thirty this morning. It was a long and difficult flight.’

‘Did you come alone?’

‘Of course’ he said, holding her gaze, then continued, ‘I had to see you. I had to explain.’

‘Explain what?’

‘About Ursula. About the baby. About my feelings.’ Claudia felt weak. Her heart and her head gave up the struggle and stopped fighting each other.

‘I really would like that coffee if you are still offering it.’ He said to break the mood, and to give her something to hang on to. He could see her confusion and wanted to throw her a lifeline. He knew she needed to be doing something with her hands; instead of standing like a lost soul, wringing them in front of herself.

‘Yes of course. I’ll make a fresh pot.’ She shook her head as if to clear her mind. ‘Would you like to sit outside while I do it?’

‘I’d like to help you, if I may.’ He wanted to be near her, ‘That is if you don’t mind.’ He added.

‘No of course I don’t mind. You must be hungry; can I make you something to eat?’

‘No thank you.’ He said gently. ‘Airlines over feed passengers on long haul flights. It’s how they keep them quiet. Passengers with full stomachs are much less trouble than hungry ones.’ Claudia smiled and began to relax.

They took their coffee on to the balcony. Christoph leaned on the railing and drank in the view. The townhouse overlooked the harbour, with a 180 degree cityscape with the opera house in the foreground and the tall buildings behind.  Christoph had been a New Yorker for thirty-five years and he loved the wonderful old city; but looking out from Claudia’s balcony, he saw a city he knew he would grow to love more. New York dominated; it challenged the viewer to take notice. Sydney was smaller; it didn’t demand anything. It simply invited you in; and offered itself for discovery.  Its freshness; its warmth, and its gentle beauty were just there for everyone to enjoy. He inhaled deeply, and for the first time in six months, he felt a new peace wash gently over him. He had the courage he needed to do what he’d travelled 12,000 miles to do.  He knew for certain, no matter what the final outcome, he would be true to his conscience.  Finally he had the chance to put things right.

Claudia studied him. She watched his every movement; noticed every thing about him; and knew she had never stopped loving him.  Her anger had gone; replaced by a feeling of inner contentment. No matter what was ahead, she knew she could deal with it properly. No more building thick walls to fortify herself. Finally she and Christoph would talk and together they would decide their future. Together they would consider all possibilities; together they would seal their own fate. Claudia sighed softly, and took a deep breath, as if the air was connected to her inner strength.

Christoph turned to look at her.  There are many things to discuss Claudia.’ He looked serious, ‘But firstly you must know, I love you. And I hope you still love me. I know I have hurt you terribly, and I beg you to forgive me.’ He waited; almost dreading her response. She sat quietly, her head slightly lowered. 

Without looking up she said in a thin voice, ‘Christoph I do still love you. I don’t know how other people manage their love; I can only speak about how it is for me. When I love, I love forever. I give a piece of my heart to someone and I never take it back. I can’t; for me it is forever. I love you and I always will, but,’ she paused, she needed a little time to check the tears that were trying hard to take over, ‘But’ she repeated, ‘I am afraid. I am afraid you will break my heart again. I am not strong enough to deal with the pain again.’ She looked up at him. ‘How can I know you won’t regret your decision and go back to Ursula again?’

‘Oh my darling, what can I say? I will never go back. When I left you before, it was not to go back to Ursula.’ His chest heaved, ‘I went back for an unborn child.’ He reached over and took her hand. ‘About three months before Ursula returned she stayed at the apartment; only for one night. She was attending a Weather Scope cocktail party. Although we were living apart, she still went to all the corporate functions. She enjoyed rubbing shoulders with the rich and famous; and Angus always turned the parties into little Oscar events; wall to wall celebrities. Ursula went to the party alone. I stayed home and drank alone. She came back around four-thirty am; by then I was very drunk.

She told me later we had had sex. I didn’t believe her, but I was too drunk to remember. She left that afternoon and I didn’t hear from her again until she came back when she heard about us. That was about three months later. She told me she was pregnant; I did not believe her, but she showed me the results letter her doctor had given her.’ Christoph looked at Claudia, his eyes begging her to understand and forgive him. ‘The rest you know. I went to hear your lecture when you came to New York University. I sat way up the back; I attended all four lectures.’ He smiled, ‘I wanted to hug you after each one. You were amazing.’ He paused and let his mind go back to that day. 'The students loved you; they didn’t want to leave. Neither did I. Then after the last session, as you know, I waited for you and we went for coffee.’ Claudia shivered as the memory swept through her mind. ‘And that’s when I told you Ursula and I were going to try to repair our marriage.’ He sniggered, ‘If you could call it a marriage. There isn’t much more to tell you, except that Ursula’s plan backfired.

She had left the cocktail party with one of the junior partners, who later bragged to Angus about the red hot sex they’d had. He painted a vivid picture of the whole time they had spent together. Angus put two and two together and he told me there was a fair chance I was not the baby’s father. I confronted her. She just laughed at me and said it made no difference who the father was, because she had already had an abortion.’ His voice wavered, but he forced himself to go on. 'She threw a glass of wine in my face, and screamed she had won anyway. She said you would never have me back because you would still think I had sex with her while you and I were together. She told me to get used to the idea that she was home to stay, whether I liked it or not.  I left the room, changed my clothes, packed a couple of suitcases, got my laptop, took a few personal documents from the safe, and I left.

I checked into a small hotel, and the next day I went to see Angus and gave him my resignation. I stayed at the hotel for a few days, and then I booked a flight to Sydney and arrived uninvited at your home.

Before I left I asked Svetlana to find out your address from the HR department. I told her I wanted to write to tell you about my resignation. I told her I owed you a proper explanation and didn’t think it should be done by email.’ He felt exhausted, but relieved to be able to finally to tell his story. ‘I emailed Katherine Spender before I left and begged her to ask you to phone me. When I didn’t hear from you I guessed she didn’t tell you about my email, but I’d already booked the flight, so I decided to come anyway.’ He stood up and returned to the railing. He couldn’t bring himself to look back at her. He waited; expecting her to speak, but she said nothing. Five minutes passed and he was about to excuse himself and leave, when he felt her beside him. Without a word, she covered his hand with hers. He turned to study her.

She had been crying and her cheeks were still wet.  He reached into his pocket and drew out a handkerchief, then gently dried her tears. ‘I am so sorry you’ve been through this nightmare Claudia. If I could take away the pain, you must know I would.’ He brushed her forehead with his lips. ‘Hush my darling. It’s over. I will go soon, but I just don’t want to leave you alone while you are so upset.’ He guided her inside and led her to the sofa.

Claudia finally spoke. ‘Christoph I don’t want you to go. Please stay. Leaving is not the solution. I just need a little time,’ she smiled, ‘time to make sense of it all; time to file it all away. Then it will be fine; I’ll be fine.’ He sat down beside her and pulled her gently into his arms. She snuggled down and rested her head in his lap. Soon she had drifted into an exhausted sleep. Christoph leaned back and allowed a wave of tiredness to swamp him.

An hour slipped by before Claudia opened her eyes. She looked up and saw Christoph gazing down at her. ‘Hello my darling, welcome back.’ She smiled up at him,

‘Hello you.’ She said reaching up and gently caressing his left cheek. ‘I’m just checking to make sure you’re real; just making sure I haven’t been dreaming.’ She jumped up suddenly and twirled around the room; feeling more alive than she had felt in months. ‘How would you like to go for a walk?’

‘I would love to.’

‘Good. We can go down to the harbour and walk along the foreshore. Then if you  feel up to it, we could stop off at the sailing club for lunch.’

Christoph looked at his clothes, ‘I don’t think I’m suitably attired for a sailing club luncheon.’

She laughed, ‘Of course you are. Most of the people will be having a quick snack before they go racing; it’s a no frills sort of place at lunchtime. You’ll fit in perfectly.' He was unconvinced; although he’d freshened up and changed his shirt at the airport, his jeans were the ones he’d worn on the flight over. Claudia took pity on him. ‘Look why don’t you go upstairs and freshen up. If you give me your jeans I’ll given them a quick iron.’

He looked puzzled, ‘A quick iron?’ he repeated.

‘Press them for you.’ He smiled. He knew they’d have to negotiate a few linguistic wastelands from time to time. For him Australian, always had been, and still was, a foreign language.

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